Monday, December 13, 2010

I'm my only me.

I've been thinking very much lately. But more than usual. I'm not the sort of person who enjoys getting caught up in things, and I feel like I've been getting caught up in everything lately. Not that I'm unhappy, but it causes me to think. We all have set times on this planet. I have nostalgic parents and they are constantly looking back at awkward 80's photos of themselves and talking about how that seemed like yesterday. As we get older, memories seem to blend together more, and perception in time and distance and exact memories are blurred. I'd love to deny this, but I'm starting to feel that way. I'm only fifteen.
A few days ago I was in the middle of doing something when my fingers froze from a thought hitting me so hard.
I'm my only me.

It was like one of those feelings you get when you spend too much time sniffing dust and looking at old toys. One of those feelings that feels like regret when looking at the past, but a hope for what's going to come. I am me. I have two eyes, one nose, one mouth, two ears, ten fingers, ten toes, two legs, one mind, and one heart. I'm a person and this is my life.
But still, I sit around. I don't think about large things like abortion, slavery, and poverty. I don't take initiative on further pursuing the things I love and hope to be great at. I don't show others how much I love them and appreciate them. I've kept secrets, I've stayed quiet. I've been lazy, I've been unmindful. I have responsibilities set for me each day; doing school, and maintaining myself and my things. But at the end of the day when I have that period of time to myself, I use it as an excuse to be unfruitful and sit because "it's been another long day and I'm tired." And by the time the weekend has come I feel regret. It's a cycle, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. It's a cycle all we humans go through, and we keep reaching to try to get out of it, but the weekend doesn't seem long enough.

But I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want to be sitting on a plaid couch in tasteless living room in 2040, looking at old photos, regretting. This sort of picture might be the very thing of why people are scared of death and punishment. People don't want to regret, people don't want to be afraid of what they've done. Fear and pride drives so much of what we do. They are why people go to great lengths to make themselves beautiful, rich, and satisfied. The fear the world has is so longing and scraping but is so selfish. Mark 8:36 "For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?"
But my fears are directed to something greater. I don't fear death, I fear God. A holy fear, a holy fire. My fears can be used for something so much greater and glorious.
I am not weak. I have power, by the holy spirit. I have two eyes, one nose, one mouth, two ears, ten fingers, ten toes, two legs, one mind, and one heart. I have a passion to fall breathlessly before a throne on high and hear the words "Well done, good and faithful servant." I have a passion to light a fire and to make known the name of the Lord.

So this is a warning. Every second you take to read this is another second off your life. Are you living the way you should? Are you running hard after what's important, or are you crawling, just enough to say you're getting there? What are you doing when no one is looking? How far have your feet walked? How much have you lived what you want to live? Have you looked for the answer to each question? How many times have you cried? How many times have you stayed out of a dance? How different would people's lives been if you hadn't been born? How many times have you given up? How many promises have you kept? How many have you broken? How much have you really lived?
The Lord is coming. Are you ready?

Matthew 25:1-13
Then the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish, and five were wise. For when the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them, but the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. As the bridegroom was delayed, they all became drowsy and slept. But at midnight there was a cry, ‘Here is the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.’ Then all those virgins rose and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ But the wise answered, saying, ‘Since there will not be enough for us and for you, go rather to the dealers and buy for yourselves.’ And while they were going to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the marriage feast, and the door was shut. Afterward the other virgins came also, saying, ‘Lord, lord, open to us.’ But he answered, ‘Truly, I say to you, I do not know you.’ Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour.

(I wrote this for myself, because I need it desperately, and I things make much more sense when I write them down. But I hope this has helped you.)

1 comment:

  1. Wow. This is really great, Jenna. I'm proud of your ability to express yourself and your feelings, and it's great that you are applying scripture in this way. It's such a refreshing message to hear, that we only have one life, and that we should make the best of it as we can, with God's help. =)